It is amazing to me how fragile one's self-esteem can be. I am watching "Front of the Class" again. Brad was pulled over by a police officer and during the conversation with him, the officer learned that Brad wanted to be a teacher. He just gave him a look of disbelief because of the sounds Brad was making. He narrates how he gets that look often but he never lets it get to him. HOW? This guy has unbelievable self-esteem.
I keep thinking of what I could have done with self-esteem like that. Would I have gained all that weight? Would I have needed food like I did? Self-esteem is so easy to break down but so very difficult to build up. Kind of like trust.... such a fragile state at all times but you have to treat it like it is solid- unfailing- strong.
Self-esteem can take you so far. How do you build it? How do you repair it? How do you protect it? It comes back to me- I have to learn to be confident in who I am. A confidence that is hard when you are fat. People treat you differently- friends don't- people do. And sadly- we lay too much claim in the people and not enough in our friends. Why do we seek the approval of others above the approval of friends and family?
You are probably thinking "it is easy for you to say this now that you are skinnier, you are forgetting what it is like to be fat. To be treated badly, differently, like a freak. And how it is to be teased to be fat and then teased when you try to work on it in a gym." I haven't forgotten. I know all to well how it feels to be treated that way. I know that it isn't impossible to maintain self-esteem throughout it all. I understand how difficult it is, but look at this teacher from the movie! His tourettes is hard to ignore- his ticks and uncontrollable sounds would draw attention to him. BUT he retained such confidence despite the way people treated him. What credit that is to his mom and his character. As a fat person- I could hide. I could remain quiet and withdrawn and do things to keep attention off of myself. That is what starts breaking down the confidence and self-esteem. I wish I had been strong enough to be me at all times. But I can't go back and change that.
Now it is up to me to build up my confidence and self-esteem. I am in control of that- we are all in control of that for ourselves. It is ok to be fat and confident! It is POSSIBLE to be both. I am not trying to say all fat people have low self-esteem either. I knew a girl in high school that was so unbelievably shy. She was bigger than I was at the time. And I will never forget the year she became my hero- I was so impressed by her and the fact that she tried out to be a cheerleader! Shy, big, and she tried out! I NEVER could have done that! It became too painful for her knees, and she was unable to continue but she tried out!! I will never forget that!
Building self-esteem is like taking one step forward and two steps back. It can be a slow and painful process. It can also be rewarding. I wish I had the answers - but I am guessing it is something we all have to learn how to do for ourselves. How I build self-esteem and protect it will be different than how you do so. Feeling stupid comes easily for me.... I know I am not a stupid person but I can be made to feel so by the simplest comments from someone. It is a flaw- it is a programmed reaction. One I am working on constantly.
Learn to be confident in yourself as you are today. It is ok to be any kind of different and have confidence! It is your right as a person to feel confident and have high self-esteem.
until I blog again....
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