Silly things.....

Thursday and Friday we went to watch my son perform in "Oklahoma" for school. I usually have enough caboose padding that sitting in those hard auditorium seats doesn't bother me. Thursday night- My fanny hurt so badly! So Friday night I sat on Ty's coat! Still painful. But at the same time it was neat to notice the difference.

In church today- I was sitting on the end seat. My 17 year old special needs son was sitting next to me. Well, he tends to push himself into me when he wants to snuggle. Normally this is not a problem. It has been awhile since he and I have sat next to each other like that. Today he threw himself into me to snuggle and just about pushed me right off the seat onto the floor! He did that three times! It was strange to have him move me so much physically. One time I would have landed on the floor for sure had I not grabbed the chair in front of me! I am thinking we need to sit on a bench with an arm rest to hold me in my seat.

Later today I had to go to town and get something from the store. While Ty and I were walking into the store I noticed a lady struggling with her car. Her driver door doesn't open, and she locked the passenger door with the keys inside. We tried to help her, then gave her an idea of who to call. When we were done shopping she was waiting for help to arrive. We stayed with her. The guy showed up and got the window down a little bit. He looked at me and asked if I had skinny fingers!? No one has ever looked to me for help cause I am skinny!! So I stepped around him and tried to put my arm in the window - couldn't quite do it. He got the window down just a little more, and I was able to reach my arm in and roll down the window just enough to reach the indoor handle! WOW! The window was only down maybe three inches. Who would have guessed that one day I would be able to help someone out cause I was skinny!!!!


I love that my husband can pick me up off the couch and carry me to bed when I am not feeling well. I love that he can give me a piggy back ride. I love that he boots me off his lap cause my butt is too boney! I love the differences in my body, my attitude, my confidence, my self-esteem.

until I blog again....

Self-Esteem is such a fragile thing....

It is amazing to me how fragile one's self-esteem can be. I am watching "Front of the Class" again. Brad was pulled over by a police officer and during the conversation with him, the officer learned that Brad wanted to be a teacher. He just gave him a look of disbelief because of the sounds Brad was making. He narrates how he gets that look often but he never lets it get to him. HOW? This guy has unbelievable self-esteem.

I keep thinking of what I could have done with self-esteem like that. Would I have gained all that weight? Would I have needed food like I did? Self-esteem is so easy to break down but so very difficult to build up. Kind of like trust.... such a fragile state at all times but you have to treat it like it is solid- unfailing- strong.

Self-esteem can take you so far. How do you build it? How do you repair it? How do you protect it? It comes back to me- I have to learn to be confident in who I am. A confidence that is hard when you are fat. People treat you differently- friends don't- people do. And sadly- we lay too much claim in the people and not enough in our friends. Why do we seek the approval of others above the approval of friends and family?

You are probably thinking "it is easy for you to say this now that you are skinnier, you are forgetting what it is like to be fat. To be treated badly, differently, like a freak. And how it is to be teased to be fat and then teased when you try to work on it in a gym." I haven't forgotten. I know all to well how it feels to be treated that way. I know that it isn't impossible to maintain self-esteem throughout it all. I understand how difficult it is, but look at this teacher from the movie! His tourettes is hard to ignore- his ticks and uncontrollable sounds would draw attention to him. BUT he retained such confidence despite the way people treated him. What credit that is to his mom and his character. As a fat person- I could hide. I could remain quiet and withdrawn and do things to keep attention off of myself. That is what starts breaking down the confidence and self-esteem. I wish I had been strong enough to be me at all times. But I can't go back and change that.

Now it is up to me to build up my confidence and self-esteem. I am in control of that- we are all in control of that for ourselves. It is ok to be fat and confident! It is POSSIBLE to be both. I am not trying to say all fat people have low self-esteem either. I knew a girl in high school that was so unbelievably shy. She was bigger than I was at the time. And I will never forget the year she became my hero- I was so impressed by her and the fact that she tried out to be a cheerleader! Shy, big, and she tried out! I NEVER could have done that! It became too painful for her knees, and she was unable to continue but she tried out!! I will never forget that!

Building self-esteem is like taking one step forward and two steps back. It can be a slow and painful process. It can also be rewarding. I wish I had the answers - but I am guessing it is something we all have to learn how to do for ourselves. How I build self-esteem and protect it will be different than how you do so. Feeling stupid comes easily for me.... I know I am not a stupid person but I can be made to feel so by the simplest comments from someone. It is a flaw- it is a programmed reaction. One I am working on constantly.

Learn to be confident in yourself as you are today. It is ok to be any kind of different and have confidence! It is your right as a person to feel confident and have high self-esteem.

until I blog again....

Life isn't about finding yourself....

I found the quote "life isn't about finding yourself, its about creating yourself", and I got to thinking about just how true that is. So many people leave their lives to go find themselves. Maybe they feel lost in the hustle and bustle of life, but it isn't about finding yourself. As we face things in life we might forget who we are or who we want to be. Why go find yourself- create yourself!

I lost myself in emotions, food, single parenthood, marriage, more children, etc. I lost myself in my fat-my constant companion. I lived there for years, despite trying to get out. The people who mattered loved me -fat and all. I am so blessed in that knowledge. Then one day I heard about the lapband. I knew instantly that it was the answer. So it was time to create myself!

If you look at my before picture you can see how miserable I look. Then look at my June picture. I look a lot happier. I remember when that second picture was taken- I was actually wondering just how much different I looked because I was wearing the same outfit I wore in the before picture still fit and didn't fall off my body. I was thinking I hadn't made much progress at all. But looking at them now- WOW! I was quite different.

So I am creating this new smaller me.... and I am more outgoing (I thought I used to be pretty outgoing- unless I was intimidated). I don't get intimidated as easily as I used to. I have learned that I am me -take me as I am or do without me. Your choice- your gain or your loss. I am good enough just as I am- I always want to improve things but if I am my best person today; tomorrow will take care of itself. I want to be friendly, kind, courteous, (you know- be a boy scout!) and an all around good person. I want people to know that I care about them, and how I feel about them- no time like the present to let them know! I work in a hospital and see some sad things. I always wonder when someone dies what their last moments were like.... were they kind to their loved ones, were their loved ones kind to them. I want my last moments to always be remembered as good ones. So I think I may have scared a few people in this quest to let them know how I feel, but I feel good knowing I was open and honest.

You know what- in creating myself (becoming the person I want to be on the inside and out) I have found myself. I have had some hard times this last year with the whole process and hurt a few people for which I have apologized. But I am a better person for the lessons I learned. I am more the person I want to be. I know that I am worth having as a friend or family member.

Don't go find yourself... create yourself! Decide who you want to be, what you want to be, and start working at it! BE CREATIVE!!! BE THE BEST YOU THAT YOU CAN BE TODAY!!!

until I blog again...

My Constant Companion

Did anyone get to watch the Hallmark movie on TV Sunday night? What an amazing story! It was about a teacher who has tourettes syndrome. It is not all about swearing uncontrollably- it is twitches and sounds and other involuntary body movements. He was 12 before someone (his mom actually) figured out what was wrong. She took him to a support group with the belief that they would learn how to live with it. When they got to the meeting, they found that there was no support and people were just hiding from the world and suggesting they do the same. The mom apologized to the boy (Brad) and said they needed to just forget they were ever there. Brad said he didn't want to forget. He said those people let tourettes win, and he was never going to let it win. He talks constantly throughout the movie about tourettes being his constant companion, but he never let it win. He learned the strengths and weaknesses of his companion. The mom talked about how the school kept blaming bad parenting for Brad's outburst. Let me tell you - that mom had to be the best mom! Brad was so confident and held his head high no matter where he was and no matter how much his companion was yelling out. He was open and honest about it and had a great self esteem. He broke down a couple of times, but when he would confide in his mom she would always point out that he was going to let his companion win if he didn't follow through or if he kept feeling bad about whatever it was that was going on. Those words were great motivators! He was determined to never let it win- in the end he was awarded teacher of the year and during his speech he thanked his constant companion for being his greatest teacher. just amazing-

So why am I writing about a movie? It made me think... fat was my constant companion. It was my disability-my handicap. It IS my disability- my handicap. Anything I wanted to do in life, but didn't was because of my fat. I let my fat be the silent excuse for not trying new things. I let my fat be the silent excuse to keep me in the house and not be social. I assumed people didn't like me because of my fat. I wonder how many friends I missed out on by assuming this.

Is fat still my constant companion? YES - and it will always be a part of me. I will always remember the things I went through, gave up, missed out on, etc. being fat. Fat- my constant companion- my disability- my teacher......

until I blog again...

Worried

I watched the biggest loser last night. I am worried that Vickie (the mean game player) learned nothing about herself! Twelve weeks - 70 pounds lighter and had learned nothing about herself!!? How is that possible!? All the challenges, the things they teach you, the people she watched on the ranch, and having time away from her husband...... and she learned NOTHING!!!????? Seriously how can she learn nothing. By the end of the show, she said she knew she was unhappy in the beginning and now she was happy. Where is the growth? Maybe she is a reserved person, but I really don't see that. She learned nothing as to why she gained the weight! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!!!??

I learn something everyday about myself. I learn that there are things I don't like about myself! I learn there are things I do like about myself! I am shocked by the things that spring up on each side of that coin, and sometimes scared. I learn about my strengths and weaknesses. I learn about my limits and boundaries and also learn to push those limits.

Seriously- how can you lose that kind of weight and learn nothing of yourself? How can you spend that much time on the ranch and not learn something about yourself? Is it all part of the drama for ratings or is this Vickie seriously that hard headed or that focused on winning the game that she isn't using the opportunity to her best advantage? I predict she will gain her weight back- I hope she proves me wrong, but I worry about her no matter what.

until I blog again...

WOW!!

Well, Friday a co-worker and I went to another hospital to learn more about the program that they put their patients through for the lapband. We got to town about an hour early so we went to Wal-mart. The pants I had on were a size 14 and were quite baggy. I haven't bought much in the way of new- I have been buying from the DI or thrift store. I was in desperate need of a different style pants though due to my shape and the way my stomach feels after the tummy tuck. I tried on a 12 and they were baggy too. I tried on a 10 and they were baggy! I tried on an 8!!! They were great. I of course had to try the size 6!! They fit too but my legs needed a bit more room.... SO I BOUGHT A SIZE 8!!!!! WOW!!! The largest size I wore was a 26/28, and I know there were days when they were tight! The day of my surgery though I was wearing a size 22.

In preparing this new clinic, we have been talking about pics for a billboard. We want something different than the traditional hold up the before pants. I had been thinking of that picture though and truly wondered if there was a drastic difference between me and my fat pants. I took them out of the closet yesterday- THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE!! It seriously shocked me! I sometimes don't feel or see myself as that different. A couple of my teenage boys were around and saw me do this... they shook their heads in disbelief. My husband couldn't believe it either.

There are days that I seriously don't feel different. If I am sitting, and I look down and can see my little spare tire I feel like I am still the huge person I used to be. I feel as though I have made it nowhere! Isn't that silly!? That is why I am so glad I kept some of the big clothes. I put them on if I am feeling like that. It reminds me just how far I truly have come.

I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am to have bought a size 8 pair of pants. It is amazing! I have come so far! This excitement for myself is something I can't wait to see others experience! To help others on their journey, to see their accomplishments, their excitement as they notice their shadow change or realize that they don't recognize themselves in the reflection they see in the freezer section.... to hear them excitedly tell me they just bought a size 18, 14, 8 - whatever size they never thought they would see! Or like me- a size they don't ever remember seeing! I know I had to have seen a size 8 once- but I don't remember it!

Until I blog again....

People Can Surprise You

I watched the Biggest Loser tonight. If you remember I told you there was one person who wasn't maturing at all. Well, tonight I think she made some progress!! FINALLY! I still think she is a game player but I believe she is making some changes. She freaked out during a contest that was 12 feet above water. It took someone she trusted in the water below her to help her jump down. Bob told her that the person she needed to trust in is herself. She actually showed some human emotions- a soft side to her. YEAH - I was worried for her.

I think that Bob is so right. I think that in this adventure of weight loss- we have to trust in ourselves. WHY? Because no one else can do this for us. Others can motivate us, help keep us going, but it is ultimately up to us. It is our doing- make it or break it- it is up to us. There may be reasons behind our reasons for being overweight, but when you break down all the excuses; it is still all our own doings.... I encourage anyone trying to lose weight to make sure they be completely honest with themselves. Face the demons- seriously examine those excuses: pick them apart. How well do they stand up to a full examination? Have you ever noticed that when you point your finger at something that three others are pointing at you?

Learn about yourself. Learn to accept yourself as you are today- not as you want to be and learn to trust yourself. That is a key part- ACCEPT YOURSELF AS YOU ARE TODAY!!! Learn to like yourself now - no matter what. Be proud of who you are- there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself, but always be proud of you today!!!

Until I blog again...

EXCITING NEWS!

yahoo!! I am so excited! I just was offered a job as "business office coordinator for the weight loss clinic" at the hospital I work at. This clinic is going to offer the lapband! This is an awesome adventure for our hospital and for me!!!

I had my interview today and was offered the job this afternoon. I will help patients to learn and understand the program, be with them every step of the way, encourage them, motivate them, run the support group, and help with promoting and advertising!! WOW I am so excited!!!

We are all very excited! The dr and nurse are going to a training this weekend, and I will be visiting the hospital I had my surgery at for some information and extra education.

There are three of us in this weight loss clinic, the dr, a nurse (has a full title but I can't remember it!- clinical coordinator or something) and me! We will be brainstorming and creating an awesome program for an awesome price! After listening to some of the ideas the other two have and the hospital administrator has and the ideas I have- I really think this is going to be an amazing program!!!

If anyone has suggestions- things they liked about the program they went through- anything they didn't like- please pass them along!!

I can't believe that after almost two years of talking with the administrator- that this is becoming a reality and I GET TO BE PART OF IT!!! WOW! What an opportunity for me!!

I want to be motivating to others. I want to help others feel as good as I do. I want to help this program to be the best in the area! This is a program that is dear to my heart, and I am so thankful to have the chance to be a part of it!

Until I blog again....