Thankful, Thankful, Thankful

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Wow- so much to be thankful for! I have a wonderful family, my mom, dad, siblings and their spouses, my husband and kids and a couple of the girlfriends! and my husbands family! WOW- I was blessed with wonderful people in my life. They all come to with different qualities, talents, personalities... but they all carry love with them. I am so lucky!

I am thankful for my health! The lapband helped me to lose the weight I needed to lose to be free of my blood pressure medicine and my diabetes medicine!! I take nothing! The hysterectomy I had last December was great! All the suffering I had for the past 10 years is over! I am thankful my husband put up with my little bit of craziness those first few months after the surgery! (um- I guess I should say "extra craziness those first few months!"- I have always been a little crazy!!)

My goal weight is in reach! I am so thankful for that! I am thankful for all the friends and family that have supported me through this journey. Without their support- I wouldn't be as far as I am today! My co-workers are great! I work for one department, but my desk is in another department and they include me as one of them!! They are all wonderful!

I have had wonderfully skilled drs taking care of me. I have a great dr as my regular dr. I work for an amazing hospital. The things that this hospital offers is unbelievable considering how small it is! People come to our hospital over their own because of the care they receive from our hospital! My husband has a good job as well!

My kids are terrific! My daughter- learning her way in the adult world, becoming engaged and then realizing it wasn't a good situation and getting out! My oldest boy- just turning 18- working two jobs and doing sports plus a senior in high school! My 17 year old son has severe mental retardation- he had seizures for the first time ever in May and has only had one that we know of since. He teaches us everyday to accept those who are different! Next in line works at the local fast food place and is a very responsible young man- bought a car and then traded it in for a truck- he will be 17 in December. The other 16 year old has had a girlfriend for over a year now, and they are just the cutest couple. He works and just had surgery on his shoulder from a football injury. My youngest has diabetes and is waiting to get his insulin pump- next week he starts drivers ed.

So how can I not be thankful everyday of the year? I have a good life. love, family, friends, health- I am blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Until I blog again....

Accepting a compliment

I couldn't decide what to talk about tonight. I still need to read my journal from last year and see what I should share. I know there is some pretty funny stuff. It is a good thing I can laugh! or that I am not too shy to share!

My goal for my journal and for this blog is to be completely open and honest about what the band has done for me! So that others can see how awesome the choice to get a band is! Kind of a support to others.

So tonight- accepting a compliment. WOW it is hard. I am human- I like a compliment! but it isn't easy! Some days the compliments are plenty! My dad had the gastric bypass, and he told me- "it is hard when the compliments stop- just always know you are doing great- you did great"

I never accepted a compliment well. I would get embarrassed and not know what to say. Pretty common I think, but frustrating. I learned quickly how to smile and say Thank you! There is nothing wrong with taking a compliment. Nothing at all!! I appreciate them all and cherish them all and use them for motivation- why not?!? Again- not to sound vain but I deserve my compliments. Everyone who receives a compliment on anything obviously deserves the compliment! They must have done something that caught the eye of another!

be gracious- say thank you. Hold your head high and be happy someone noticed! Accept it! Live outside that comfort zone!! Heck- pass along the good feelings and dish out a few compliments of your own to others! It is a wonderful feeling! I love to see someone smile or even shy away when I give a compliment! I know I maybe brightened someone's day!

And thanks for your support in reading my blog. You are AWESOME!!!!

Until I blog again.....

motivation

I just watched the Biggest Loser show. I love this show. When I first started watching it - it was so motivating. Then I would get frustrated that I wasn't losing weight like they were. I had to stop and realize that the people on the show are able to dedicate EVERYDAY ALL DAY to their goal. I can't do that. So then I had to think about how to use this show as motivation and not feel frustrated.

I watched the contestants exercise, I watched the change, I watch them push themselves. They live outside their comfort zone and get yelled at along the way!! They grow, mature, blossom as the season progresses. It is wonderful to watch. The differences are amazing physically!! I like to listen to their comments throughout the season though- it is awesome how much weight loss success can affect someone.

So- I use the weight loss as motivation, but I use the changes in personality as motivation as well. Watch it sometime- this season is hard because there is one girl on there that hasn't matured much at all. She is methodical and a true game player.

Makes me wonder sometimes what people see in me for differences. What kind of personality changes have I gone through and not realized it? Are the changes for the better? I hope that I haven't offended anyone with my changes, but I am me. I hope that I am not vain, I hope that I am not rude, I hope that I am not snooty. I hope that the caring person I have always been is even more pronounced cause I am not afraid to show I care. (at least not as afraid!! I still fear rejection!!! Old habits die hard?)

My husband told me of someone he knew that lost weight and got wild and left her husband. I think that always worried him cause I would start to have success, and he would bring me a treat. I have heard of that happening-women go wild. I can see where that is a possibility for anyone who loses this kind of weight. Losing 5 pounds is great- losing large amounts of weight is life changing! How can it not be?

I mean seriously- How can it not be!?

It doesn't have to be destructive! I think when making weight loss goals one must also think about the kind of person they think they are, the kind of person they want to be, and then think of the package they want to present that personality in! Someone who loses weight can still end up not being happy if they lose the person they want to be mentally -be prepared for more changes than just the size of your body. It really is an amazing adventure! The Biggest Loser is about so much more than weight loss- if you look for the other lessons - the other developments. It is motivating and eye-opening! Educational in many, many areas.

Until I blog again....

Shadow Dancing and other silly things

As promised: the story of me shadow dancing-

One day I was walking back to the hospital (where I work) from the dr's office. I looked down, and I was really rather shocked that my shadow had lost weight!!! WOW! That's pretty cool I thought. So I was getting ready to do some poses and turning and checking out my shadow, but then realized that my co-workers in the lab would probably be looking out the window just then and catch me!!

So low and behold- not only was I losing weight but my shadow was looking pretty good! It might seem like a simple little thing- but it was one of the first moments I realized that my body was changing. That I was having success losing weight FINALLY!

Shadow dancing is not the only thing I did. I would be shopping and catch my reflection in the freezer aisle doors. I would have to stop and look- I couldn't believe it was me so I had to make sure: Almost to the point of standing there and seeing if the reflection really mimics the actions that I do!! INCREDIBLE! It was me in the reflection!!

One day I was walking into the hospital from the parking lot and noticed that my shadow had changed a little more! There was day light between its legs!!! When did that happen!! My shadow is usually just one big black blob! And now it has legs and A NECK! hmmmmm I seriously have to find time to dance with my shadow where no one is watching me make a fool of myself!

I never thought of myself as good looking let alone attractive or sexy. But I have to tell you that I catch myself looking in the mirror.... I am embarrassed by that- I try not to get caught! I spent years avoiding a mirror- even before the weight- and now, I take time to look. I am not appalled at what I see. I am fairly good looking! I am not trying to be or sound vain, I don't think that I am vain. I just like myself! I like the changes the band has helped create in me! Not just physically but mentally as well.

This whole process has been challenging, fun, rewarding, and down right scary sometimes. I have lived outside my comfort zone so many times that I don't even know what my comfort zone is anymore!! You know what- living outside that comfort zone is amazing! It is liberating. It creates a feeling of "I can do anything" I am stronger for that. I can let my light shine easier because of it! I am comfortable just being me. I don't need someone else's approval or acceptance. If someone doesn't care for me- they are missing out! I am a terrific person who cares about others. If you don't accept me- you may miss out on just how great of a person I can be. I am sorry for you! Me- I will be ok. I don't have to have everyone like me. I like me and that is enough right now. I haven't liked me in so long and that was wrong. I have always been a terrific person who cares about others.

Love yourself- no matter what. Learn to be yourself. Trust me- I know how hard that can be, but give it a try!

Until I blog again....

A Return To Love

Who I am to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented? Who am I not to be? Exactly!!! Whether I am fat, skinny, short, or tall- I am brilliant, gorgeous, and talented! Why be afraid of that? Why let someone tell me or make me feel like I am any different? I am a Child of God! I am a good person. Is my heart any different now that I lost weight? No- I am still the same kind, caring, decent person I always was--- ok maybe some people never thought me to be that, but I am those things. I am still those things! Shrinking away from that does not help the world! I should have embraced my good qualities- flaunted them- made the bright and easy for anyone to see!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

How true is that? We need to stand up for ourselves- shine our light- be proud of it! If we let the belittling of small minded people get to us- we are the ones making us feel inferior! I know it is easier to listen and feel bad about ourselves then it is to stand up for ourselves and stand proud.

No matter how you look - or think you look- stand proud for the person you are inside! Let go of the fear that it isn't enough to be somebody. When we do that- we will help others! Letting ourselves feel inferior will only take others down with us!

Be somebody- not some BODY-

There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself in looks- but remember who you are on the inside- remember that is the part of you that counts.

until I blog again.....

Along the way

Along the way to becoming the new me- I learned some things! The surgery doesn't fix all my weight issues! Yes- it helped me to lose weight but you know what- it doesn't change that emotional eating need. It limits how much I can take in but by dang- I still had to learn to change things! I had to face the reasons why I ate- I had to change feeding my emotions. I ate when I was bored, I ate when I was stressed, angry, etc. I ate at family gatherings- isn't that the way it is at those things- eat and talk- talk and eat!

So why did I gain the weight to begin with? Well, a few reasons- First, I had gotten really sick in the 7th grade: a condition called pseudo tumor something - acts like a brain tumor but is not one. also- this same school year I had money and the ability to buy snacks at the snack bar at school! Well, the tumor condition caused me a headache for three months. Seriously, one headache for three months straight. They finally figured out what it was and did a lumbar tap which in turn started migraine headaches. I could not be physically active or spend even 10 minutes in the sun without getting a horrible headache that put me down for hours if not days. puking, crying, head pounding, blinded by the dimmest light, knife piercing my skull migraines. I was married several years before this went away. So I had to give up my sports, no PE and still food coming in!!
Second, I could control food. Obviously that isn't entirely the case. but when life was out of control and emotions high - I could make my own choices in what I ate. I could eat what I wanted when I wanted. And I did. When the one I cared about was stuck in his world and closed his bubble to keep me and others out- I ate... among other things.

So that was the vicious cycle I created for myself! FOOD = CONTROL = FAT
Why did I keep the weight? Same thing- the headaches for years, when life seemed out of control I could still eat what and when I wanted. Boredom eating set in as life went on. Not that raising 6 kids is boring but there are those moments. Like when the kids are all in school, husband at work, and I am home alone.

So I learned all the reasons I ate. I am STILL working on fixing these things. Food is an addiction- truly. Some people need to drink or smoke when upset...others eat. I have learned to stop and ask myself why I am eating or wanting to eat. Of course- sometimes I am eating when I stop! But I am a lot better about controlling my emotional eating instead of "controlling" my food.

The surgery doesn't fix anything but how much you can eat at once! YOU HAVE TO FACE YOUR DEMONS!!! You just have to! If you don't - you might cheat around the band and have little to no success! The band is NOT an easy way out! I think I have learned more about myself going with the band than I ever did trying anything else.

Until I blog again....

After Surgery

After surgery is that wonderful liquid diet, soft foods, and then progress to regular food! I cannot even begin to tell you how delicious mashed potatoes are after two weeks of a 700 calorie diet and the a liquid diet!!! WOW!!!! And I was so amazed at how fast I got full! I seldom hit that Full Feeling all my fat years! And I ate so little and was Thanksgiving day stuffed!!! I couldn't believe it!

I lost weight pretty fast. That was awesome! But come August I had to have my band emptied. I then had it emptied a couple times after that. When I called in November with problems - they decided I better have it checked so they did the barium swallow to make sure all was well. The band was so tight that just a trickle of fluid was going through. Final decision was made that my female side of life was affecting my band. When my hormones kicked in my stomach would swell. SO - a hysterectomy became my option (not just due to the band issues- I had a lot of problems and I had tried other ways to fix it- a hysterectomy was my last option). I was so relieved to know my band was ok and to know I would finally have relief of the female issues! I had been feeling like a failure- I led so many people into this surgery and now I was having problem. I was feeling bad...hoping others wouldn't worry- I made sure I shared everything with the others. I wanted them to know what caused the problems and not to worry. And it would also help them to watch for problems with their bands. Which turned out to be a good thing because another bander ended up with similar issues- and it was due to female life.

So anyway- not even a year after the lapband I was having surgery again. I had a great idea though- as long as they were cutting me open - why not make it a longer incision and have a tummy tuck! So everyone agreed and that is what I did! Second best surgery I ever had. (although somewhat painful) The surgery went well- I had a lot of staples and the pain was bearable. The part I worried about was having the drains removed. The staples coming out didn't worry me at all! It turned out to be the opposite- the staples hurt like HE** and the drains- I didn't feel a thing!! go figure. The staples coming out was the worst part of the whole surgery!! Seriously! The second worst part was the back ache I had from limited sitting/sleeping positions. The rest wasn't a problem for me. I had surgery on Thursday - came home Saturday (I was kind of miserable and tired by the time we got home -it is a two hour drive) but then Sunday - I went to the store so I could walk around and while I was there I decided I would make fudge for my co-workers. I made fudge that day and wrapped some Christmas presents. Then the next day I went to the hospital to deliver my fudge. Going places like that gives me more space to move and walk and stretch without walking outside on the slippery sidewalks and without the boredom of walking on a treadmill- which I did a lot of that for recovery as well. So the surgery was a success. My recovery was quite easy for the kinds of surgery I had.

A friend of mine asked me if I would do the band again- I told him that if anything happened and my band had to be removed- I would pay to do it again! Even with the problems I have had- I am 100% thankful I made the choice to do it! I am so thankful for this wonderful option- it is truly a safe life saving option!!! I recommend it!!!

I used to worry that people would think "she took the easy way out" I used to think that is what I was doing- REST ASSURED- THIS IS NOT AN EASY WAY OUT!!!! It has been work- it is not easy- It is a tool- a great tool! BUT there is still work involved. You will learn more about yourself and your body then you ever thought you would want or need to know!

That first time I had my band emptied-wow- I really could tell the difference in having my band working for me and not... I told the dr "if anyone ever says they don't think the band is working for them- empty it for them and tell them to come back in two weeks and see what they learned!" It works! It is a tool though- still leaves a lot of work to the patient! But don't let that scare you off! It is definitely a work to be proud of!

Until I blog again....

Surgery Day

Surgery day- I was so excited. I don't remember being nervous at all! I was so excited to start my new life! I got to my little room, and the lady that was heading up the program came to see me. She even brought a gift to me - bath and body lotion and shower gel. The dr came in too. I remember getting gowned up and ready to go. Next I remember them trying to talk to me to wake me up! I was irritated cause I was tired and wanted to sleep! Then I was back to my room and up walking as much as I could do!

My son was wrestling in the state tournament that night. My husband found a internet site that was broadcasting so we got to watch him wrestle! I was yelling and cheering! It was a great night!

They keep you over night so they can do a test in the morning to check for any complications from the surgery. I was out of the hospital by 1- the next morning. The drive home was a little rough but I survived. My surgery was Thursday, and I was back to work on Tues. AWESOME!

It was an easy recovery! Seriously the best thing I ever did!!! Surgery day isn't anything to worry about and nothing too exciting went on! Except me yelling in my room at night at the wrestling tournament.

Until I blog again.....

Pre-Surgery

I was so excited to be faced with an option of losing weight that would help me! I had tried a lot of self diets, Richard Simmons, TOPS, weight watchers at home, working out with friends, etc. NOTHING worked!! I saw the Lapband as my answer! The best answer I had ever found!

I have family members who have had the gastric bypass surgery. I knew about that surgery. The lapband is so much a better option in my opinion. I love the fact that if there are problems (always a possibility however small) the band can be removed and my body is as it should be! All the body parts as they were- nothing cut, nothing removed. And the part that helps me lose weight- is adjustable!!! Changed as my body changes.... used the way my body needs it! No dumping syndrome, and I can drink water!! YAHOOO! I love my water! I know many gastric bypass patients, and they have to sip their water!! I don't have to sip my water usually- there are days but most often I get my water in easily!

So the program I participated in was pretty good. I went to a seminar and learned about the pros and cons (the pros definitely weighed heavier!!- the cons were nothing for me to worry about). Then it was on to the process- I saw the dr, I did a psych eval (and PASSED!), saw the various people they have you visit with- dietician, physical therapy, respiratory therapy, and of course I had to face those darned dreaded scales!!! 244!!!

Everything was approved, and I started a 700 calories a day diet - dr approved- for the two weeks before the surgery! I lost 17 pounds in that time! Someone asked me how come I couldn't just do that and lose the weight instead of surgery! HAVE YOU EVER EATEN 700 CALORIES A DAY FOR TWO WEEKS!!!????? UGH it is physically draining!! Which is WHY you can't just do that and survive. Once you get to your goal weight (if you did survive) you will be rather sick and go back to eating cause you made your goal and go RIGHT BACK TO THE BEGINNING!!! It is a vicious ugly cycle we put ourselves on and for whatever reason we don't learn our lesson!

OH things I had to learn to live without- bread! rice! drinking during a meal!!! WOW I was worried- those are things that I knew would be so hard on me!!! You know what- don't really miss it! I did it! I left them behind! It has been worth it!!! But I was so worried about the bread and drinking at meal time that I started to work on those things from the first moment I learned of it!! (Ok not the first moment!- after that first appointment I went to Golden Corral and of course enjoyed some of those wonderful delicious dinner rolls!!! YUMMMMMmmmmMMM) Ok sorry- lost my head for a minute!! I don't miss those to often either. =)

Well, it is time for me to head to the support group and since I am in charge- I better not be late. Next I will take you through the surgery day! Think I will go through my journal I kept back then so I can share my thoughts from then as well.

Until I blog again.....

The beginning

The heaviest I ever remember seeing the scales hit was 275. I am sure I weighed more at one time but I don't remember weighing after seeing that horrifying number! I started gaining weight in late jr high. Reasons? I suffered migraines that kept me from being physically active, I found freedom in choosing and buying food at school (own money), I became a teenager who ate her feelings.

I met my husband just out of high school. I weighed 200 plus at this time and was a single mom. He loved me for me though, and I am thankful for that. We went on to have a second child and adopt four others. My weight piled on as I stayed at home to take care of the kids - they are very close in age so I stayed very busy - too busy to tend to myself (not that I would have really - but excuses are nice).

We moved from Illinois to Idaho, and I lost 30 pounds pretty quick and that was it. I hovered around 250 for years. I ate out of boredom, depression, stress, anger, and I was a midnight grazer. I would get up in the middle of the night (bathroom break- didn't sleep well ever) and I would almost always stop at the fridge- okay- I would go out of my way to get to the fridge- it really wasn't a stopping point from my bed to the bathroom! It was an addiction- a habit. Horrible and deadly....

I tried everything I could afford. Eat healthier, Richard Simmons videos (your giggle here) but that's what I had, and they really weren't THAT bad! I struggled- like most people - when I tried to lose weight. I would get so excited when I lost two pounds in three weeks! Then I would think about how long it would take to lose the rest and that was it. TOO LONG! TOO HARD!

So 5 years ago- my husband lost his job- laid off- and with an amazing benefit! We were sent to school! Paid for! downfall? We had to drive an hour and a half one way every day to go! BUT we did it- of course what did we eat... fast food. So no weight loss going on there- However- I got a great job at the local hospital.

How does that fit in to my story of Lapbanding? Well, in 2006 our Human Resource person pushed to get our insurance to pay for weight loss surgery! Where the insurance wouldn't cover anything for weight loss! Hello? don't they know it is a disease!? ANYWAY- She told me she was working at it, and I called my husband. I said "I am having surgery ASAP" I told him about the lapband, and that night he saw a commercial for the first time about the same surgery! Jan 2007 our insurance started covering the lapband. Not great coverage but enough.

I didn't just jump into the surgery- I researched all that I could. I compared the surgery with past weight loss surgery options and the popular gastric bypass. This was a wonderful option! For many many reasons! I saw the Dr in January and had my surgery set for Feb. 22 (just after my birthday!!)

I hope that this blog will help others decide whether or not this surgery is for them, make them comfortable in the fact that they are not alone in this battle against weight, and find a little humor in life. I intend to post more of what I learned about myself, weight, people, and share the experiences I have had. Most people laugh at my shadow dancing! Which I will share with you in the future!

Until I blog again....